Who I Was Is Not Who I Am

Nostalgia a can serve a person. It is great to reminisce and remember (see previous post). There are a variety of reasons that you would want to stay close to history and remember things. You want to remember the great things God did for you in order to fuel your hope for things to come. You want to remember the storms and how you weathered them in order to remember that God is always faithful and true. You want to remember who you were before meeting Christ in order to know what it is that Christ saved you from. But you also don't want to remember the past in a way that you want to go back there. Nostalgia will not serve you if you all the memories and feelings are provoking some places of your past that do not need to be revisited.



This summer, God showed me that my past actually looked different that what I remember. I found my journals and diaires when we were cleaning out the home office. Intrigued, I began reading them. I received my first diary when I was nine. I have consistently journaled since them, with the exception of missing a few years after I graduated college. The longer I read, the more God revealed to me. I had asked the questions, "Why did I strive so hard to be the best at everything?" and "Why did I mention boys in every journal entry?" I previously identified my younger self as a good-girl, someone who worked hard to make good grades and be a good person. I didn't participate in a lot of bad activities such as sleeping around, drugs, drinking, smoking, or out-right disobeying my parents. I did recognize that I battled a lot of pride and I based my Christian life on a spiritual resume. This summer God opened my eyes, clearly answered my questions, and showed me exactly who I was before I came to know Him personally.

The answers were shocking, but not surprising. Shocking because I remained so oblivious to who I really was. But not surprising because the questions were clearly answered. I was a mean, bitter person. My journal entries revealed a judgmental nature that cut people down. I looked down my nose at a lot of people thinking that they did not deserve an opinion and that I knew so much more than they did. I hurt several people in my path. I made decisions involving other people on how I would best benefit from the outcome. For all of my life I did not understand why a lot of people did not like me. I now know.

Also, God showed me why I strived so hard to be the best and why I switched boyfriends as often as I changed shoes. I was searching for acceptance and identification. If I was not known or remembered for something, than who was I? My identity was wrapped around what I did and how well I did it. I had to be known by winning awards, earning the best grades and simply climbing the ranks. I had a boyfriend or sought out a new one because there was a yearning in my heart to be accepted. I wanted to know that people liked me, even in the wake of stepping on people in my path. Honestly, this search for acceptance is the underlying reason why Kevin and I got married. At that time I was not in love with Kevin. I was in love with the idea of getting married and being permanently accepted. The love of God has since redeemed that and I am more in love with Kevin than I could ever believe possible and we have an amazing marriage.

It really makes me sad to know that I lived the early part of my life like this. I was striving so hard and looking for acceptance and I was wearing out fast. But God's grace pulled me into His lap and I surrendered to a relationship with Jesus in 2006. The striving to be the best, the search for acceptance, the meanness and bitterness are now gone. Jesus has replaced who I was with a brand new person. He replaced...

judgement with compassion
meanness with love
bitterness with joy

I no longer have to search for my identify and acceptance. I am completely accepted by the One who made me. He loves me dearly simply because He does. I do not have to do anything to earn it. My identify is so simple... I am a beloved, adored Child of God. This is really all I need to know.

Who I was is definitely not who I am.

I am whole.

I am redeemed.

I am LOVED.

I'll never forget...

Last weekend was amazing. Our lead Pastor, Pete Hise, offered an open invitation for people to stand and pray to receive Christ into their hearts after each service. By the end of the weekend, 136 people crossed from death to life and now have a place secured in heaven for all eternity. For hours after the last service ended, hundreds of people stayed to congratulate and encourage new Christians or to help people process through what they heard and subsequently invite Christ into their lives. It was an amazing experience. The Holy Spirit was absolutly walking the aisles of the auditorium.

There were two experiences that I will never forget. The first was spending some time with a young lady on the webcast who had some questions about her salvation experience. We chatted for a while, she listend to the service, and I answered questions. Through that process she got to a place where she knew she wanted and needed Jesus. Online she stood up with Pete and invited Christ into her life.

The second experience that I will never forget is receiving a phone call after the 9:30 service on Sunday from my friend Lana who was exclaiming that her husband Chris just gave his life to Christ. My initial response was "No he did not! Shut up! Shut up!" To which she responded, "Yes he did and I will not!" I saw him about 15 minutes later and he is a new person. He clearly told me that he gave his life to Christ that morning. He talked about how he just needed to stop fighting, put down his pride, and do it. He said it was like having a day off. He felt great. It is amazing to see someone who had very little interest in God just put it all down and give it up. He is a brand new person, reborn.

Witnessing a life changed...

Questapalooza, the annual festival hosted by Quest Community Church, occurred this past Sunday. It was an amazing event with thousands of people in attendance. I had a lot of fun being a part of the event. The one imagine from the festival that will forever be etched in my mind is seeing a man humble himself at the foot of the cross.

At the end of the night, our lead pastor Pete provided an open invitation for anyone in attendance to stand and pray to receive Jesus into their heart and life. During that moment I was standing at the back of the crowd near the evangelism tent preparing to receive people who prayed with Pete and to encourage them as they begin walking in their new Christian life. I was standing very close to the cross as the prayer was happening and noticed from the corner of my eye that there was a small group of people at the foot of the cross. The main person in that circle was Greg, the boyfriend of one of my amazing Life Group gals. Teresa was placed in my Life Group in June and she has an incredible heart. I have been praying with her for Greg. She carried an incredible, appropriate weight for him. I also noticed that she was not a part of that group. The prayer ended and I began to search for her. About 15 mins later I found her. I asked if she had seen Greg recently. She said no and appeared concerned. I took her arm and began leading her to where he was. We were within 10 feet of him and she just broke down crying and praising. He joined us and started crying as well. I hugged them, prayed with them, and encouraged him in his new walk. It's such a beautiful thing when you see a 50 year old stable man become a child of God. He is forgiven and he is free.

... a good finder in the darkness...

Tonight, I overheard Kelly tell Kevin, "Daddy, you are a good finder in the darkness." It's amazing how small children can say things that end up being quite profound, spiritual, and theological in the most innocent of statements. Kevin is a good finder in the dark, but not quite like the dark she was talking about.



When a person gives their hearts and lives to Christ, their primary purpose in life becomes the primary purpose that Jesus walked out -- to seek and save those who are lost. Our world carries a mass of spiritual darkness. Many people walk in a darkness that they never notice because they have not experienced the freedom of walking in the light. Imagine walking around your house without lights everyday. Eventually you will learn where every object is located and will have no problems navigating the house. Walking in spiritual darkness can eventually lead to the same outcome. You will learn to walk in the darkness, navigating multiple obstacles, and attempting to rely on yourself and your knowledge of where things are. The truth is that Jesus came to this earth to provide us with a light that will free us from the darkness.

Kevin has an uncanny ability to talk with people about his salvation experience and to provoke them to think about things that never crossed their minds before. It's beautiful and it's truly God working through him.

It's been a while...

Wow. I knew that it had been a while since I posted a blog. I did not realize that my last post was on July 19. Honestly, I have had a lot of thoughts and I have definitely been provoked to write, but I simply have not taken the time to do so.

Life happens and life can get really busy. Much of what I do revolves around tasks and time. Most days I really do focus on what God wants me to accomplish in that day and where He needs me to be. I'm not perfect, so there are days when I attempt to control the schedule. But it really does work better when we allow God to work out that plan.

At Leadership Summit, Billy Hybels taught that we really need to focus on the simple things in life: absorb the words of the Bible, read a good book for 30 mins every day, spend quality time with Jesus, etc. Doing these things with an open heart will draw you into the presence of Jesus and your day will feel freer and lighter. Trust me; I have been there. I have also been encouraged to find the right times to rest this weekend because this week will be crazy busy as this is the week leading up to Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza. I hope writing this blog counts as "rest time."

I hope that going forward I will find more time to write these blogs. God gives me beautiful images and just the right words for these blogs. Watch out for more to come!

You Smell Like Butt

Two weeks ago a pastor used bumper stickers as a sermon illustration. Later that day Kevin and I reminisced over our favorite sticker. Shortly after we were married, we saw a sticker on a car that made us laugh so hard we cried. This sticker had a cartoon drawing of a rabbit, standing with his hand over his mouth that was in a smile. The caption on the sticker was "You smell like butt." Even now as I type it, I laugh. I don't know what it is about this sticker that is so funny, but we laugh hard every time we talk about it. A few days later, I started really thinking about that bumper sticker and realized that there is some truth behind its caption.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we can really make a mess of things? This is generally caused from our selfishness, our choice to live a self-hyphenated life. We constantly want controll of life and everything around us. God did not create us to be in control. We attempt to live out a dream that we made ourselves. God has a much greater plan. We think our beliefs and thoughts are more superior that those of other people. God called us to only speak and believe what He designed for us. Living a selfish life allows people to only see us, and us is really not something that most people need to see. Generally speaking, people are messy and stinky. We mess up when we do things on our own. In short, we "smell like butt." I don't know about you, but there are many times when my "self" gets in the way and I really smell like butt. It's disgusting and awful. I would much rather have far more moments where my "self" just got out of the way and Jesus can work through me. If we all chose to live life like this, then the world would smell much sweeter.

No time for religion...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28 - 30 (Message)

Religion is basically a set of beliefs, rules, and/or laws. Many people believe that in order to be good enough, they must follow all of these standards. I guess it's like a checklist for life. Attend church -- check; be baptized -- check; read my Bible -- check; don't drink -- check; be nice to people -- check. Of course, none of these things are wrong. It's just that God never meant our lives to be about living up to a set of standards. And that is what religion has become -- a set of standards or rules that we are to live by. Even Jesus did not like religion. You can read about His encounters with the religious people of His day thoughout the Gospels. Jesus came to earth to fulfill the law, and we can receive what He did for us, His death on the cross. We will never be good enough to enter heaven. We will only wear ourselves out trying harder and harder and then find ourselves eternally burning in hell. However, by living in a relationship with Jesus and allowing Him to reign in our lives, we will find eternity in heaven. The checklist I mentioned before no longer becomes a checklist but things we do out of the overflow of the perfect love that Jesus pours into our lives.

Sadly, the confusion over religion versus relationship has caused many people to believe that they have to "clean up their act" before coming to God. This is simply not true! God wants us exactly as we are. It is impossible for us to change our lives on our own. It is through God's redemptive love, exemplified through Christ's death on the cross, that allows our lives to change. No one has to get their life in order before meeting Jesus. Meeting Jesus will allow people to restore their lives.

"I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die." Galations 2:21 (NLT)

Much of my life was about living up to the standards of religion. There were many times that I would choose to do something because I was a "good Christian girl." Good Christian girls read their Bibles. Good Christian girls did not cuss or drink or sleep with their boyfriends. Good Christian girls made good grades. Good Christian girls went to church and participated in religions type organizations. I was completely exhausted trying to keep up with everything I was suppose to do. All of my good works was causing me to be blind to the real truth -- that Jesus simply wanted me to humbly give over my life to Him and to walk in a relationship with Him. I thought my eternity was secure and I was Christian because I could pull together a long and impressive list of everything I did as a "good Christian girl." It took 2 people to explain to me that being a Christian was more than simply believing that Jesus died for our sins (Duh! even Satan knows this) and by being good, and it took a holy slap from God himself to show me that if I were to die, I would not go to heaven. All I had to do was to lay down my sins before Jesus, accept His forgiveness, give Him my heart and invite Him to reign in my life. That happened on September 8, 2006. I took a nap after I prayed that morning, resting peacefully because I no longer had to "do." I now choose what I do because I know it comes with Jesus's directive, not because they are things I ought to do.

Religion says earn. Relationship says rest.
Religion says do. Relationship says be.
Religion says try harder. Relationship says I love you.

Oh How He Loves Us

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18 NLT

We sing this amazing song at church called How He Loves Us by Kim Walker. Every time it stirs an internal emotion in me that is like nothing else. Have you ever experienced God's great love?

The greatest sin barrier I had to overcome in order to walk in a full relationship with Jesus was pride. God continues to chip away at this barrier. Pride got in the way of me fully experiencing the love of God even after I gave over my life to His Son. Almost 2 years ago I was talking to a good friend after church and she was just glowing because it sunk in for her how much God really loves her. I was happy for her and blew it off with a "Of course God loves you." In my head I knew that God loves each of us because we are His sons and daughters. But my heart did not understand that at all.

Early in 2008 I was going through some hard places. The enemy attacked me hard. I was falling into real areas of fear -- fear that I was not performing well in my job and that people would be very mad at me. I was in a place of driven performance and people-pleasing. Much of the problem occurred because I was not rooted firmly in the true identity of who I am - a beloved child of God. For all of my life, I found my identity in what I did, who I dated, recognition I received, and the work I performed. I was having a true identity crisis. I began to ask questions of why was some of this so important to me, why did I have to be the best at everything I did, and why did I feel so void when I received harsh feedback or when something was taken away from me? Through much prayer, Bible reading, processing with my leaders, and listening to "Re:Wind" from the Fall Kick Off 2007 series, I began to realize that I was not living in my true identity. I knew that I was a child of God because I gave Him my heart on September 8, 2006, but I simply wasn't living there. That summer I began taking huge steps towards allowing the capital-T truth of who I am become permanent in my heart.

At the end of the "Rooted" session at Leadership Retreat we sang a song that was based on Ephesians 3:18. During that song I could do nothing more but stand with my hands held out and cry. The words "how deep, how wide, how great is Your love for me" rang through to my core. Later that day I received the little football with the word on it chosen just for me. My word was "Adored." My initial reaction when I turned the card over was, "What? What kind of sissy word is that?" But then I heard Jesus whisper, "Alesha, listen. You get it now. The work is done. You are my child and you are more than dearly loved. You are adored." I did nothing more than cry, then rested. This long, hard process is now complete. It was wrapped up with a simple little word printed on a paper football. But now the song "Jesus Loves Me" has a whole new meaning. My heart is now in a position that when I sing this song with Kelly that I can tell her that it is more than just a cute, little song for her to sing, but that it is the very essence of the lives we live. I walk with such a peace and freedom of simply seeking God and living in His love and adoration.

Heaven and Hell

Do you believe in heaven and hell? The Bible, the holy inspired word of God, provides us in numerous places that both exist. And one day our physical life on this earth will end and we will exist eternally in one or the other. Heaven and hell do not exist as the intangible, supernatural, spiritual, I-heard-about-it-in-church or read-it-in-a-book kind of way. They are physical, geographical locations. They are places that one day each of us must go. We have the opportunity today to pick where we will spend eternity. How do you pick? You pick by choosing to believe in the cross; by choosing to believe in Jesus as your Saviour. But don't stop there. Choose to live out a relationship with Him by yielding your life to Him. By choosing these, you will live your remaining physical years on this earth in freedom and with peace and joy, and you will spend eternity in a place where there is no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears. When you live your life as a follower of Jesus, you will have a confident hope that your eternity is secure in heaven. Isn't that where you want to spend forever?



For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. I Thessalonians 4:16 - 17

History Can Repeat

Then Peter stepped forward with the eleven other apostles and shouted to the crowd...

"So let everyone in Israel know for certain that God has made this Jesus, who you crucified, to be both Lord and Messiah!"
Peter's words pierced their hearts, and they said to him and to the other apostles, "Brothers, what should we do?"
Peter replied, "Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. This promise is to you, and to your children, and even to the Gentiles--all who have been called by the Lord our God."

Those who believed what Peter said were baptized and added to the church that day -- about 3,000 in all.
(Acts 2:14, 38-39, 41 NLT)

I have heard that history can repeat itself. That we must live with care that it doesn't. We truly are to learn from history and advance ourselves because of it. But would you ever believe that you could re-live the history of the Bible?? I believe that God has placed me in a position that I get to see history repeated first-hand. Acts 2 is happening all over again. Bold leaders are stepping forward... thousands upon thousands of people are whole-heartedly surrendering their lives to Jesus... hundreds of people are being baptized...

It happened once, and it's happening again.

Are you ready??

Rock Your World

Have you ever encountered something that simply shifted your world? Has an event ever happened and you just know that life will never be the same after? There have been a few events that caused earth-altering shifts in my life.



The first was my marriage. Almost 8 years ago I married an incredible man. Honestly I didn't know how incredible he was at that time, but during the past 8 years I continue to fall in love with a man who is just amazing. It may not have been in God's ultimate plans that the two of us get married because neither of us were truly following Jesus at that time. But God has such redemptive power that I continue to fall in love with this amazing man everyday. I am filled with love and awe every time I look at my husband.



The second earth shattering event in my life was the birth of my daughter. I was completely oblivious to the concept of motherhood before my daughter was born. I had no idea that a small child would turn your world upside down. Your life really does change the second the baby enters the world. My world is very different and much better because of her. She is a beautiful child and I am so blessed that God saw me worthy of such an entrustment.



The third event that turned my life upside down was the day I met Jesus personally, September 8, 2006. Life really hasn't been the same. Jesus completely changed the trajectory of the path of life. I went from a very self-consumed, prideful individual who made her own paths for life to an individual who simply wants to live the life God has planned. I don't make future plans anymore and I don't set long-term goals unless God leads me to do so. But everyday I really do have a clear picture of what God wants me to do. I live everyday knowing that God adores me as His daughter. I have a real peace in my life.



And this weekend I got to see the results of an event that has caused unbelievable tremors in our world. Saturday night my pastor, Pete Hise, had the honor of presenting the closing message at Ichthus, an annual music festival held in Wilmore, KY. Pete is a true man of God and he speaks with unbelievable clarity. He lives as a man who knows he is a life redeemed and he will do whatever it takes for people to understand that they are loved dearly by the most high God and for people to enter into a relationship with Jesus. Pete presented an incredible message that shed light on people's need for Jesus causing them to want Jesus; to really want Him. At the end of the message Pete offered an invitation for people to stand, even raise their hands toward heaven, and to pray a simple prayer that began a relationship with Jesus. Sadly, I did not get to attend the event, but I have been able to see a video and talk with many people who were there. Even without attending, I can feel that this event has rocked our world. I can internally feel the difference it makes when thousands, not just hundreds, but thousands of people cross that eternal line from death to life. A huge shift happened in the spiritual world. Satan lost that night. He lost big time. And our lives will never be the same. The floodgates have opened for more people to enter into evangelism, resulting in more people entering into a new life with Jesus. This world, and my world, will never be the same.

When Life Hands You Shit, Make Fertilizer!

First, I would like to ask you to please excuse the single use of profanity in this post. I am not apologizing for it; I'm just asking that you go with me on it. It truly is relevant.

A good friend of mine was explaining to me an incredible revelation God gave to her recently. She asked, "What makes the best fertilizer?" If you have the slightest experience in landscaping or gardening, you know that manure, or well shit, makes the best fertilizer. She then continued to explain the truth in knowing that bad things happen in life. The question isn't if it's going to happen, but when it will happen. It's like the famous bumper sticker that says, "Shit happens."

My friend continued on to explain that God can really help us grow in the shit that comes our way. We can either lie in it and become very stinky, or we can turn it into fertilizer and grow in it. We are human and our lives can get messy. If you are in a position where you lead other people, there is the possibility that you will get messy in their shit as well. But the true question is, which will you pick when the storms of life come? To lie in it and be stinky, or to turn it into fertlizer and grow more into the person God created you to be?

This concept is the same for it's much weaker counterpart -- when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Honestly, what my friend described holds more truth to it. Generally, most people can eat lemons. They may taste sour, but are edible. (And I love to flavor my tea with them.) You can really move past the lemon without having to do a lot of work. But when you are faced with a pile of shit, you really must choose. Will you allow it to stick around and remain stinky, or will you make fertilizer in order to allow something beautiful to grow?

Which will you pick?

... assured ...

I love it when I get a word while on a retreat. The word generally has a lot of impact.

Empowered -- from Leadership Retreat '07... Within seconds God revealed to me that I really am empowered to lead. That He has given me everything I need in order to be a leader in His advancing kingdom.

Adored -- from Leadership Retreat '08... I was suffering from an identity crisis through much of that year and I was learning how to live in the true identitiy of who I am - a beloved, adored child of God. God whispered so gently to me during that time, even when I was arguing about my word! All I have to do is rest in the true identity of who I am.

Assured -- from Women's Retreat '09... It is truly amazing that I received this word. Earlier that day I was hearing in my head that I was not worhty to lead. Recently I have been dropped into the deep end of the pool. I am a part of the leadership development program at church; I am a Life Group leader; I lead the financial team and the financial office; I stepped into leading a small group at Women's Retreat. That was a complete surprise. I know I can do this with Jesus because He has empowered me and I live in the identity of being adored. But I was hearing voices saying I was not strong enough, I had not suffered enough bad places, that maybe I really don't know how to do this. I have lead in safe places but I am not ready to go this alone. But God has assured me that I can. Only by HIs strength and with His guidance I can do this. When I try to do it on my own is when I will fall flat on my face. And God says, "You can do this. I assure you that you can."

becoming entrustable...

I have the privilege of being a part of a leadership development program at our church. When asked what I wanted to get out of being a part of it, my response was that I wanted to learn, grow, be found entrustable, and in the end to look a little more like Jesus. The other day Jesus tweaked in me the definition of being entrustable. Until that time I think I was viewing the term as a little bit of having more to do. And, there is some truth in that. The bigger truth is that Jesus will entrust more and more people to me. It has nothing to do with more activities; the activities are a result of being entrusted with more people. I have a quicker pace in my spirit and loads of peace. It's an ironic thought of life slowing down and speeding up at the same time.

To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. Matthew 25:29 (NLT)


P.S. I originally wrote the above as a journal entry on April 27. Since then God has found both my husband and I very entrustable. We have the opportunity to lead people on various teams and through Life Groups at our church, and he has shared his salvation story with two people and is developing amazing relationships. God is good!

Jesus Didn't Save Me From Something, But For Something

Jesus gave me a gift the Monday after Easter. After dropping my daughter off at school, I felt compelled to drive downtown. I had no idea why. Initially I thought I would see someone I was suppose to talk to, but turns out that God wanted to talk to me. As I was driving around looking at the buildings and the professionals on the street, I remembered the dreams I had in college of what my after-college life would look like. I had dreams of working in a high-profile company with an executive job sitting behind a huge desk in a beautiful suite with a secretary sitting outside my door. I could see these pictures in my head. Then I heard God whisper, "You get to give that up." He didn't command me to do it; it was a true gift. I get to give up that dream. I get to let go of my plans, the way I picture life would look like. I remember working at my first two professional jobs after college feeling like I wasn't accomplishing anything for this world. My work meant nothing; only allowing the rich to get richer. When I started my own accounting practice I thought I was on the path of really helping people. But it was still my dreams, my plans. Now God is sweetly offering me the choice to give up my dreams; dreams that were there for a long time, since I was 16. Yes, I am giving up my plans. Really, I only want to live out the plans God has on my life. They really are the most perfect plans. So I guess Jesus saved me from something and for something.

from my plans
for His plans

Getting started...

I love to journal. I received my first diary when I was 8 and wrote in a diary or journal from then until college. About 3 years ago a friend encouraged me to review my journals and take a look at my life. I was sadden to discover that I did not write in a journal for 4 years. I really felt like I was missing a portion of my life. Since then I have become a consistent journaler, recording events, thoughts, and how God has moved and is moving in my life. Much has been revealed to me during my journaling sessions. I absolutely love it.

I also recently discovered that my journaling sessions are themed. I thought it would be fun to start writing them as blogs as well in order to share my thoughts and God's movements. I was also inspired by other influential bloggers such as our pastor Pete Hise and the pastor of NewSpring Church, Perry Noble. You can find their blogs at www.petehise.com and www.newspring.cc/blog. I think you will enjoy them.

Well, I'm off to relieve our sitter for the day. Stay tuned... God has speaking a lot lately and I have a lot to write about. :)