Who I Was Is Not Who I Am

Nostalgia a can serve a person. It is great to reminisce and remember (see previous post). There are a variety of reasons that you would want to stay close to history and remember things. You want to remember the great things God did for you in order to fuel your hope for things to come. You want to remember the storms and how you weathered them in order to remember that God is always faithful and true. You want to remember who you were before meeting Christ in order to know what it is that Christ saved you from. But you also don't want to remember the past in a way that you want to go back there. Nostalgia will not serve you if you all the memories and feelings are provoking some places of your past that do not need to be revisited.



This summer, God showed me that my past actually looked different that what I remember. I found my journals and diaires when we were cleaning out the home office. Intrigued, I began reading them. I received my first diary when I was nine. I have consistently journaled since them, with the exception of missing a few years after I graduated college. The longer I read, the more God revealed to me. I had asked the questions, "Why did I strive so hard to be the best at everything?" and "Why did I mention boys in every journal entry?" I previously identified my younger self as a good-girl, someone who worked hard to make good grades and be a good person. I didn't participate in a lot of bad activities such as sleeping around, drugs, drinking, smoking, or out-right disobeying my parents. I did recognize that I battled a lot of pride and I based my Christian life on a spiritual resume. This summer God opened my eyes, clearly answered my questions, and showed me exactly who I was before I came to know Him personally.

The answers were shocking, but not surprising. Shocking because I remained so oblivious to who I really was. But not surprising because the questions were clearly answered. I was a mean, bitter person. My journal entries revealed a judgmental nature that cut people down. I looked down my nose at a lot of people thinking that they did not deserve an opinion and that I knew so much more than they did. I hurt several people in my path. I made decisions involving other people on how I would best benefit from the outcome. For all of my life I did not understand why a lot of people did not like me. I now know.

Also, God showed me why I strived so hard to be the best and why I switched boyfriends as often as I changed shoes. I was searching for acceptance and identification. If I was not known or remembered for something, than who was I? My identity was wrapped around what I did and how well I did it. I had to be known by winning awards, earning the best grades and simply climbing the ranks. I had a boyfriend or sought out a new one because there was a yearning in my heart to be accepted. I wanted to know that people liked me, even in the wake of stepping on people in my path. Honestly, this search for acceptance is the underlying reason why Kevin and I got married. At that time I was not in love with Kevin. I was in love with the idea of getting married and being permanently accepted. The love of God has since redeemed that and I am more in love with Kevin than I could ever believe possible and we have an amazing marriage.

It really makes me sad to know that I lived the early part of my life like this. I was striving so hard and looking for acceptance and I was wearing out fast. But God's grace pulled me into His lap and I surrendered to a relationship with Jesus in 2006. The striving to be the best, the search for acceptance, the meanness and bitterness are now gone. Jesus has replaced who I was with a brand new person. He replaced...

judgement with compassion
meanness with love
bitterness with joy

I no longer have to search for my identify and acceptance. I am completely accepted by the One who made me. He loves me dearly simply because He does. I do not have to do anything to earn it. My identify is so simple... I am a beloved, adored Child of God. This is really all I need to know.

Who I was is definitely not who I am.

I am whole.

I am redeemed.

I am LOVED.