Who I Was Is Not Who I Am

Nostalgia a can serve a person. It is great to reminisce and remember (see previous post). There are a variety of reasons that you would want to stay close to history and remember things. You want to remember the great things God did for you in order to fuel your hope for things to come. You want to remember the storms and how you weathered them in order to remember that God is always faithful and true. You want to remember who you were before meeting Christ in order to know what it is that Christ saved you from. But you also don't want to remember the past in a way that you want to go back there. Nostalgia will not serve you if you all the memories and feelings are provoking some places of your past that do not need to be revisited.



This summer, God showed me that my past actually looked different that what I remember. I found my journals and diaires when we were cleaning out the home office. Intrigued, I began reading them. I received my first diary when I was nine. I have consistently journaled since them, with the exception of missing a few years after I graduated college. The longer I read, the more God revealed to me. I had asked the questions, "Why did I strive so hard to be the best at everything?" and "Why did I mention boys in every journal entry?" I previously identified my younger self as a good-girl, someone who worked hard to make good grades and be a good person. I didn't participate in a lot of bad activities such as sleeping around, drugs, drinking, smoking, or out-right disobeying my parents. I did recognize that I battled a lot of pride and I based my Christian life on a spiritual resume. This summer God opened my eyes, clearly answered my questions, and showed me exactly who I was before I came to know Him personally.

The answers were shocking, but not surprising. Shocking because I remained so oblivious to who I really was. But not surprising because the questions were clearly answered. I was a mean, bitter person. My journal entries revealed a judgmental nature that cut people down. I looked down my nose at a lot of people thinking that they did not deserve an opinion and that I knew so much more than they did. I hurt several people in my path. I made decisions involving other people on how I would best benefit from the outcome. For all of my life I did not understand why a lot of people did not like me. I now know.

Also, God showed me why I strived so hard to be the best and why I switched boyfriends as often as I changed shoes. I was searching for acceptance and identification. If I was not known or remembered for something, than who was I? My identity was wrapped around what I did and how well I did it. I had to be known by winning awards, earning the best grades and simply climbing the ranks. I had a boyfriend or sought out a new one because there was a yearning in my heart to be accepted. I wanted to know that people liked me, even in the wake of stepping on people in my path. Honestly, this search for acceptance is the underlying reason why Kevin and I got married. At that time I was not in love with Kevin. I was in love with the idea of getting married and being permanently accepted. The love of God has since redeemed that and I am more in love with Kevin than I could ever believe possible and we have an amazing marriage.

It really makes me sad to know that I lived the early part of my life like this. I was striving so hard and looking for acceptance and I was wearing out fast. But God's grace pulled me into His lap and I surrendered to a relationship with Jesus in 2006. The striving to be the best, the search for acceptance, the meanness and bitterness are now gone. Jesus has replaced who I was with a brand new person. He replaced...

judgement with compassion
meanness with love
bitterness with joy

I no longer have to search for my identify and acceptance. I am completely accepted by the One who made me. He loves me dearly simply because He does. I do not have to do anything to earn it. My identify is so simple... I am a beloved, adored Child of God. This is really all I need to know.

Who I was is definitely not who I am.

I am whole.

I am redeemed.

I am LOVED.

I'll never forget...

Last weekend was amazing. Our lead Pastor, Pete Hise, offered an open invitation for people to stand and pray to receive Christ into their hearts after each service. By the end of the weekend, 136 people crossed from death to life and now have a place secured in heaven for all eternity. For hours after the last service ended, hundreds of people stayed to congratulate and encourage new Christians or to help people process through what they heard and subsequently invite Christ into their lives. It was an amazing experience. The Holy Spirit was absolutly walking the aisles of the auditorium.

There were two experiences that I will never forget. The first was spending some time with a young lady on the webcast who had some questions about her salvation experience. We chatted for a while, she listend to the service, and I answered questions. Through that process she got to a place where she knew she wanted and needed Jesus. Online she stood up with Pete and invited Christ into her life.

The second experience that I will never forget is receiving a phone call after the 9:30 service on Sunday from my friend Lana who was exclaiming that her husband Chris just gave his life to Christ. My initial response was "No he did not! Shut up! Shut up!" To which she responded, "Yes he did and I will not!" I saw him about 15 minutes later and he is a new person. He clearly told me that he gave his life to Christ that morning. He talked about how he just needed to stop fighting, put down his pride, and do it. He said it was like having a day off. He felt great. It is amazing to see someone who had very little interest in God just put it all down and give it up. He is a brand new person, reborn.

Witnessing a life changed...

Questapalooza, the annual festival hosted by Quest Community Church, occurred this past Sunday. It was an amazing event with thousands of people in attendance. I had a lot of fun being a part of the event. The one imagine from the festival that will forever be etched in my mind is seeing a man humble himself at the foot of the cross.

At the end of the night, our lead pastor Pete provided an open invitation for anyone in attendance to stand and pray to receive Jesus into their heart and life. During that moment I was standing at the back of the crowd near the evangelism tent preparing to receive people who prayed with Pete and to encourage them as they begin walking in their new Christian life. I was standing very close to the cross as the prayer was happening and noticed from the corner of my eye that there was a small group of people at the foot of the cross. The main person in that circle was Greg, the boyfriend of one of my amazing Life Group gals. Teresa was placed in my Life Group in June and she has an incredible heart. I have been praying with her for Greg. She carried an incredible, appropriate weight for him. I also noticed that she was not a part of that group. The prayer ended and I began to search for her. About 15 mins later I found her. I asked if she had seen Greg recently. She said no and appeared concerned. I took her arm and began leading her to where he was. We were within 10 feet of him and she just broke down crying and praising. He joined us and started crying as well. I hugged them, prayed with them, and encouraged him in his new walk. It's such a beautiful thing when you see a 50 year old stable man become a child of God. He is forgiven and he is free.

... a good finder in the darkness...

Tonight, I overheard Kelly tell Kevin, "Daddy, you are a good finder in the darkness." It's amazing how small children can say things that end up being quite profound, spiritual, and theological in the most innocent of statements. Kevin is a good finder in the dark, but not quite like the dark she was talking about.



When a person gives their hearts and lives to Christ, their primary purpose in life becomes the primary purpose that Jesus walked out -- to seek and save those who are lost. Our world carries a mass of spiritual darkness. Many people walk in a darkness that they never notice because they have not experienced the freedom of walking in the light. Imagine walking around your house without lights everyday. Eventually you will learn where every object is located and will have no problems navigating the house. Walking in spiritual darkness can eventually lead to the same outcome. You will learn to walk in the darkness, navigating multiple obstacles, and attempting to rely on yourself and your knowledge of where things are. The truth is that Jesus came to this earth to provide us with a light that will free us from the darkness.

Kevin has an uncanny ability to talk with people about his salvation experience and to provoke them to think about things that never crossed their minds before. It's beautiful and it's truly God working through him.

It's been a while...

Wow. I knew that it had been a while since I posted a blog. I did not realize that my last post was on July 19. Honestly, I have had a lot of thoughts and I have definitely been provoked to write, but I simply have not taken the time to do so.

Life happens and life can get really busy. Much of what I do revolves around tasks and time. Most days I really do focus on what God wants me to accomplish in that day and where He needs me to be. I'm not perfect, so there are days when I attempt to control the schedule. But it really does work better when we allow God to work out that plan.

At Leadership Summit, Billy Hybels taught that we really need to focus on the simple things in life: absorb the words of the Bible, read a good book for 30 mins every day, spend quality time with Jesus, etc. Doing these things with an open heart will draw you into the presence of Jesus and your day will feel freer and lighter. Trust me; I have been there. I have also been encouraged to find the right times to rest this weekend because this week will be crazy busy as this is the week leading up to Fall Kickoff and Questapalooza. I hope writing this blog counts as "rest time."

I hope that going forward I will find more time to write these blogs. God gives me beautiful images and just the right words for these blogs. Watch out for more to come!

You Smell Like Butt

Two weeks ago a pastor used bumper stickers as a sermon illustration. Later that day Kevin and I reminisced over our favorite sticker. Shortly after we were married, we saw a sticker on a car that made us laugh so hard we cried. This sticker had a cartoon drawing of a rabbit, standing with his hand over his mouth that was in a smile. The caption on the sticker was "You smell like butt." Even now as I type it, I laugh. I don't know what it is about this sticker that is so funny, but we laugh hard every time we talk about it. A few days later, I started really thinking about that bumper sticker and realized that there is some truth behind its caption.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we can really make a mess of things? This is generally caused from our selfishness, our choice to live a self-hyphenated life. We constantly want controll of life and everything around us. God did not create us to be in control. We attempt to live out a dream that we made ourselves. God has a much greater plan. We think our beliefs and thoughts are more superior that those of other people. God called us to only speak and believe what He designed for us. Living a selfish life allows people to only see us, and us is really not something that most people need to see. Generally speaking, people are messy and stinky. We mess up when we do things on our own. In short, we "smell like butt." I don't know about you, but there are many times when my "self" gets in the way and I really smell like butt. It's disgusting and awful. I would much rather have far more moments where my "self" just got out of the way and Jesus can work through me. If we all chose to live life like this, then the world would smell much sweeter.

No time for religion...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28 - 30 (Message)

Religion is basically a set of beliefs, rules, and/or laws. Many people believe that in order to be good enough, they must follow all of these standards. I guess it's like a checklist for life. Attend church -- check; be baptized -- check; read my Bible -- check; don't drink -- check; be nice to people -- check. Of course, none of these things are wrong. It's just that God never meant our lives to be about living up to a set of standards. And that is what religion has become -- a set of standards or rules that we are to live by. Even Jesus did not like religion. You can read about His encounters with the religious people of His day thoughout the Gospels. Jesus came to earth to fulfill the law, and we can receive what He did for us, His death on the cross. We will never be good enough to enter heaven. We will only wear ourselves out trying harder and harder and then find ourselves eternally burning in hell. However, by living in a relationship with Jesus and allowing Him to reign in our lives, we will find eternity in heaven. The checklist I mentioned before no longer becomes a checklist but things we do out of the overflow of the perfect love that Jesus pours into our lives.

Sadly, the confusion over religion versus relationship has caused many people to believe that they have to "clean up their act" before coming to God. This is simply not true! God wants us exactly as we are. It is impossible for us to change our lives on our own. It is through God's redemptive love, exemplified through Christ's death on the cross, that allows our lives to change. No one has to get their life in order before meeting Jesus. Meeting Jesus will allow people to restore their lives.

"I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die." Galations 2:21 (NLT)

Much of my life was about living up to the standards of religion. There were many times that I would choose to do something because I was a "good Christian girl." Good Christian girls read their Bibles. Good Christian girls did not cuss or drink or sleep with their boyfriends. Good Christian girls made good grades. Good Christian girls went to church and participated in religions type organizations. I was completely exhausted trying to keep up with everything I was suppose to do. All of my good works was causing me to be blind to the real truth -- that Jesus simply wanted me to humbly give over my life to Him and to walk in a relationship with Him. I thought my eternity was secure and I was Christian because I could pull together a long and impressive list of everything I did as a "good Christian girl." It took 2 people to explain to me that being a Christian was more than simply believing that Jesus died for our sins (Duh! even Satan knows this) and by being good, and it took a holy slap from God himself to show me that if I were to die, I would not go to heaven. All I had to do was to lay down my sins before Jesus, accept His forgiveness, give Him my heart and invite Him to reign in my life. That happened on September 8, 2006. I took a nap after I prayed that morning, resting peacefully because I no longer had to "do." I now choose what I do because I know it comes with Jesus's directive, not because they are things I ought to do.

Religion says earn. Relationship says rest.
Religion says do. Relationship says be.
Religion says try harder. Relationship says I love you.